I am attached to the melody of
greensleeves. back when
I was a little child.. say, 4 or 5 years old, my dad used to take me
to a place where I could find many games for entertainment.. The place
was near Mary Clair - Almaktoom street.. It was called
مدينة 2000 ...
There was this colorful glittery chair of which I could sit on, &
it would slowly yet swiftly go up and down in rotation. As soon as the
chair started its circle-like movement, this melody played.
I've been loving that melody ever since then. It touched my heart
tremendously..
As a child, I could not understand my silence once the chair rotated..
I remember that my dad used to smile.. & I used to smile back... I
remember that my heart sang, but I was sad... & I could not be able to
interpret the sadness and the feeling of LOSS that came along........
& when I was a little older, I learned to play the melody on
piano........
& now, I don't know why..... Why I am recalling it all back....
it feels like I had a collar of precious beads.. & I lost every piece
of it suddenly, but unintentionally....
it feels like I am left alone on an endless iced road, feeling so
cold, waiting for the warmest touch which He could provide.
it feels like I am running while my eyes closed, not looking back to
avoid facing reality.
it feels like I am holding the catalogue of my life in my hands and I
am flipping through its pages, looking for the picture which can
capture me completely & take me back to him..
Now He was not an ordinary person... If you have ever been blessed
with having a person who was an angel walking on earth, you'll
understand the reason of having a lump in my throat right now ...
In my life, I came across REAL MEN, but those were so rare... such
rarity could not be stained with the silliness of life.... and so....
they all left.
After 8 years of loss, I found my legs taking me to his grave...
stunned by the dreadful tranquility of the place, I couldn't help but
turn around to check whether or not somebody was watching me. After
making sure that no body was there, I recited several verses for his
soul and soon my eyes bulged with endless tears that could wash away
all my sins... my body started shivering urging to throw itself on the
grave and embrace him... my legs stiffened and I couldn't move. I felt
so dizzy and I hummed a little hum: "Oh Grandpa... I do not
wanna lose anyone anymore.. I do not want to go home either.. I wish
that I could sleep beside your grave"
By the time I returned back home and went off to bed... I closed my
eyes and saw my brother fighting in a bloody battle... I woke
up terrified by what I saw & soon my eyes were shedding a river of
tears... was it a dream? was it a vision? was it a telepathy? or was
it nothing?
On Saturday, we were assured that my brother was gone for good... So,
it was another huge loss on my fragile heart. This time it was even
more hard...
My brother had an ascetic heart which despised the lavishness of
life... He was inspired by the character of my grandfather... & when
my grandfather passed away, my brother decided to stop getting led
astray. Instead, he chose another path which was lightened... He
memorized the holy quraan within two months... He taught himself to
lower his gaze on all women even he was going to watch the news on T.V.
He had a remarkable sense of humor... He was always there for me,
trying to be the sedative to heal my wounds... He used to pamper
me until I felt that I was the queen of all queens. His extreme
kindness with me hurt me then and it hurts me now... Above all that, I
cannot deny that he was the one who introduced me to Islamic lectures.
People used to blame a lot for being so different!
those people were members of his family and relatives... I remember
the time someone made a mistake.. & when I advised him.. His command
for me was: "Do not be like your brother"...
My brother is not like any brother... He was like Omar
Bin Al Khattab, strong, blod and brave..
غيورا
على دينه لا يخاف في الله لومة لائم
yet so tender-hearted & sweet with his mother, sisters,
grandmother and aunts.
Oh how I miss the source of enlightenment we
used to have in our house!!!! How I miss the innocent look on his face
whenever I used to tease him happily... How I miss those days when I
used to bring chocolates and ice cream and start to feed him with my
hands BY FORCE.. I used to do so just because I knew he did not want
to get pimples.. Yet, I was wicked!! I enjoyed doing that... when he
used to refuse eating the ice cream I brought for him, I used to
threaten him by saying: "I swear to God, if you do not eat now, I
will never ever talk to you" :'( & immediately, he would let me
feed him...
How I miss his company when he used to take me to
university... How I miss those moments when I complained: "It's so
hot".. and his immediate action was that he took me to the petrol
station and got me his favorite ICE CREAM... How I miss writing my
name & [I love you] phrase on his note books... How I miss going with
him to book shops.. How I miss his wisdom... How I miss his
laughter... How I miss his sweetness... How I miss his knocks on my
door to wake me up for Al Fajr prayer... How I miss the feeling of
security he used to grant for me... How I miss myself standing beside
him in front of people and feeling so proud... How I miss his usual
presence at home :'( He used to advise me not to have frequent visits
to the malls... How I miss him telling me: "You're a beautiful
jewel... you have to conceal yourself from the sick wolves"...
I miss his last conversations with me aiming to buy for
me a gift....
Him: "Tell me which ring do
you want to have?"
Me (the faja3 one): "Give me the money instead!"
Him: "No I would like to buy
you a ring so that you will have something to remind you of me"
No matter how much I cry, I know that he won't be back
now...I need to hug him, but I cannot hug him... I can only hug the
air...
I wished that I had a magic wand to turn me into a whiff to travel
around and float onto a cloud where I could meet him...
But now, I realize that FANTASY is FANTASY.. & REALITY
is REALITY... He's gone.. InshaAllah to a better place.. My hope is to
meet my grandfather and dear brother in PARADISE inshaAllah... In
order to reach that place, I should work HARDER...
{I feel that this
nasheedaلا تحزنوا يا اخوتي
is his message}
