It's strange that me & him have been changing a lot
recently.. I realized that I've been so confused lately that I did not
even visit my grandma recently.. I was hanging out with friends, not
wanting to be at home to face SOMETHING... you know when you feel
something is on your mind yet you don't know what it is?? I was so
busy thinking about something that was worrying me.. yet I did not
know what it was... & I was acting differently.. I mean, I visited the
grave of my grandpa all of a sudden.... &.. &.. it was the same day
that.... mmm..
It went like this: ON Thursday night,
I've stayed up
until 4 AM I was talking with my aunt K over the phone about HIM & how
I'd never admit that I was wrong to him.. I told her that I always
loved to tease him..
On Friday... by the time I reached my
grandpa's grave, I told my grandpa that I was afraid to lose another
precious one. As if God was preparing me for something..
On Saturday morning.. I hanged out with
my friend Amoony, & I talked about HIM for a while. I said
I would always love to spy on him... By the time
I returned back HOME, I realized that... WE lost him...
On Saturday night & while I was trying
to curl up.. I saw a scene... and I shivered...
Sunday morning.. I cried so hard until I
felt the dryness of my eyes...
The last phrase I've told him 2 days
ago was: (Go away.. I don't wanna chit chat or discuss anything with
ya..) I was not serious when I said it, but I did not give him any
chance to talk to me.. & he was smiling.. You can say now I am living
with REGRET...
So here I am... declaring that I lost
another person who never knew how much I loved him... You can say..
that I lost all the beautiful meanings in life... I feel I am punished
or cursed!
Who will tease me now?! who'll advise
me? who'll ever care for me the way you cared? You know how lonely I
am.. You've always said that you felt I was feeling LONELY.. How could
you leave like that without leaving any single message???
The pain you caused is serious.. & I am
thinking of dropping the course. Thank you for what you've done!!
Sorry but I cannot pretend.. I can hide
the feelings I have for some ppl, but I'll never be able to hide a
pain that is greater than me...
Missing you :"(
10th|Nov|2007 4:17 PM WITH AMOONY
My t-shirt :D I love ALICE
Star Bucks.. Star BooOoox
Caramel..
Hand made stuff..
I had fun with my friend Amoony :) & I'm so
SPEECHLESS.
سامرت نجم الليل حتى غاب عن **** عيني وهد عزيمتي الإرهــاقُ
يأتي الظــلام وتنجــلي أطـرافه **** عنـا ومـا للـنوم فيــه مــذاقُ
سهر يؤرقني ففي قلبي الأسى **** يغلي وفي أهدابي الحــراقُ
9th|Nov|2007 6:38 PM
More than 7 years..... Probably 7 and a half..
The sequence.. it went like this:
The memory of KFC & Him -
Working on Euthanasia - My lil bro & I
- RAMI (CARTOON) - Me & my friend Unknown at CHILIS - HIS GRAVE...
*) Lately I've been working on an
assignment about
Euthanasia..
& it's reminding me
of my grandpa, because his brain was dead, but he was alive,
breathing artificially with the use of a medical support system... & when doctors switched it off,
he died...
*) My 6 years old brother has been a real
troublemaker & a disobedient child who would HIT everyone [including
his elder sis, ehim] Whenever we'd ask him gently not to watch any
more of freestyle wrestling shows, he'd grow extremely upset.. He was also hitting my younger
sis just because she opposed his childish opinions... I don't know how
he turned to be so aggressive all of a sudden.. My mama thinks
it's because of the new school he had to join recently.
anyway, He forced me to yell at him and
I held his left leg because he was planning to SHOOT me like a ball. When I
held his leg, he fell down.. & eventually, he gave it a big cry.. like
this: "Owaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"... As a result, my heart gripped
me and I felt so weak.. I wanted to cry myself... I can't stand to
watch a child crying!
After several attempts of explaining to
him that we both were wrong, he accepted to come to my room to watch
with me this cartoon series (Rami)
نصف بطل... رامي
*) I remembered my grandpa again,
because we used to love that cartoon series a lot.. Once upon a time I
wanted to watch the last episode, and my grandpa was watching the
news.. I wanted to watch my fav cartOon so bad, but at the same time
and out of respect I did not wanna disappoint my grandpa, for he
seemed so engrossed in watching the news.. SO, I ran out of his house
back to our house (just to watch the cartoOn).. How stupid of me to
leave my loving grandpa just to watch a cartoOon!!!!!
I don't know why.. Suddenly my mind
switched on another scene and it settled on it for
several days... The scene centered around {KFC}!
Yesterday... Me & Unknown..
Yesterday I went with my friend UNKNOWN
to DRAGON MALL.. After that we decided to go to WATER FRONT... & for the first time in my life
I did not order a meal to eat at Chilis.. I did not even ask for
MOLTEN CHOCOLATE CAKE! I stayed with her till 11:40 PM.. and I didn't
wanna return back home...
Water Front
chilis..
A trip down memory lane...
*) It seems to me that it was a day like
any usual day... me, cousin F, Samz, &
cousin S decided to gather and
meet up at my grandpa's house... We were all remaining in the kitchen,
talking about our childish plans.
My grandpa came carrying a huge bag of
KFC !!! He
wanted to eat that junk and share it with his grandparents. He seemed
so happy about it.
We were too happy to find a grandfather
who loved to show us that he could love the things we loved.. You know
usually parents are so strict that they don't allow their kids to eat
junk and lollipops.. but he was different :')
Despite his medical status (he had high blood pressure at that
time), he didn't give it a second thought of how dangerous that food
was for his health...
As soon as he gave us our meals and sat
to eat his, Scarlett came rushing and urgently asked him to
STOP the THOUGHT of eating that crap..
Me as a child of about .. say, 6 or 7
years old didn't like Scarlett's behaviors even though I knew she
worried about him...
Me.. grieving over his grave..
Yesterday I was up till 4 AM.. I
couldn't get him out of my mind for a single second.
It's been more than 7 years since the
day he went away.. & there is hardly a day that goes by without me
thinking of him..
Today, I decided to visit his grave FOR
THE FIRST TIME... I never visited him before, because I couldn't make
it alone... Simply because I was young & my family
wouldn't have let me go without the company of my dad, brother, or
uncles. & I wanted to be alone with him.. I wanted to tell him that
I'd do anything just to please him...
Today, I went to the graveyard... I
walked on the sand while the sun was burning my back... I searched for
his grave.. & finally.. his grave was found with the help of some
assistants. "Thanks for the bewildered local guy and the Indian one"
I stood stunned for a while, not knowing
what to say or from where to start.. The weather was hot & I felt so dizzy... I
also wasn't
being able to sum up the mourning words of my 7 years of endurance. I
realized that my heart was so empty and homesick...
As I was preparing myself to talk, the
Indian came and poured a jar of water over his grave........ He was
smiling and I was trembling, not being able to get rid of the lump I
had in my throat.
& then all of a sudden and while I was
feeling hot.. a very cold wind blew upon me... it felt so
strange................. Yet so relaxing.
I wanted to let my grandpa feel that I
was happy for him... I smiled & I said some words of optimism, because
he would never feel satisfied if my tears rolled down my cheeks. Yet,
I couldn't hide the way I felt... I couldn't hide the pain... Who was
I to hide my feelings from him?? he knew me better than anyone else.
Little by little, I could feel the tears
welling up & I wished that it was I who was laid down under the dusty
sand... I was so sure that no one could ever replace his place in my
heart... No one could ever make me love him the way I loved my
grandpa.. Even my innate feelings for my dad aren't as strong as the
feelings I have for my grandpa...
I wiped my tears and apologized to
him.. I said: "I hope that now you can eat food served from
heaven... much more yummy than the crappy KFC" I explained that I
wished I could wrap my arms around his body and give him a warm kiss
on his head before I'd leave.. & I wished that I'd never leave his
grave, because it was the only way I could feel close to him. I
apologized for being such a stagnant girl who wasn't paying any
attention to AMBITIONS... I apologized for not being such a brilliant
example to others like him... I apologized for everything & I made
several promises...
Inshallah it won't be long till I see
him again...
