إن
قلبي يا رفيقي... لم يكن يوما خليّا ففيه حب لشهيد فارق الدنيا رضيا..
أسكنته بين جفوني.. زرعته أرضا سخيا... أسقيته من ماء قلبي.. أقسمت أن
يبقى أبيا... دفنت وده في ضلوعي.. جعلته في الفكر حيا... هو هكذا حب
الكرام.. يسمو على كل دنيّا..
يا فكرة
سكنت خيالي.. ما لها عني جليّا
أوما ترى
شكوى ضلوعي.. يوم رحلت يا أخيّا؟
انت في
الآفاق طير
مسلما
دوما عليا...
وأنا في
الكون غصن يحتويك أبديا...
عهدي
إليك أن أسير.. على خطى الحق تقيا... وذكريات العمر روض والدمع في العين
زكيا..
لن أكون
سوى غريب.. وكذاك كنت يا أخيا...
فليكن
شوق القلوب... لجنة الخلد مليّا
Thank God, I did not tremble out of
being nervous once the presentation started. I pictured everyone who
attended our internship presentation owing me 1 million.. & with
regards to Dr. Polypeptide, I pictured him owing me 10,000,000
$, because he used to bring me tension in the past! & that method
worked with me..
I did not attend today's lectures
though...
I stayed up all night long. I couldn't
sleep a bit.
People consider me "lucky" because I had
such a great brother, but I feel his "loss".
I am the one who fight so hard against
tears once I remember him & end up having a huge lump in my throat & a
great wound in the heart.. I am the child who shared with him
childhood memories & many secrets that I did not share with
anyone but him.. I am the one who spent much time with him at home
when everyone used to go for shopping.. I am the one who listened to
his complaints yet did not do anything to help.. I am the one whom he
held so much "trust" in... I am the one who discussed issued about
"Love in God" with him.. I am the one who could stand and talk frankly
with him without worrying that he might turn aggressive because of my
{wrong ideas}. I am the one who used to be so proud of him once I
talked about him in front of my friends... I am the one who used to be
so indulged & pampered by him... I am the one who used to be extremely
happy that he always lowered his gaze (the fact the he never ever
looked at any woman even the newscasters pleased me)... & I am also
the one who's been so rude with him recently... That's why, I am
having pangs of remorse now.
I shed endless tears because, I was so
indulged by my grandfather... and when he passed away and my brother
saw how much I suffered, my brother tried to compensate that kind of
loss.. I cannot say he totally succeeded... but at least he changed a
lot of things in me and he was so sweeeeeeet... He could bring back my
smile by trying to introduce the meaning of "FAITH" to me...
Once upon a time, he saw me crying
because I was missing my grandpa... he gave me a warm hug that I
cannot forget........
الفراق صعب
My father is so silent & taciturn... He
never tried to open his heart to us.. he never showed his "passion"...
He's just being respected and loved, but he's not so close...
& you know how full of love and passion
I am! Actually me and my brother are so full of love and passion...
The most passionate and TALKATIVE siblings...
So you can say that I feel extremely
lonely now... I know I must be extremely "patient" to bear all this..
The amazing thing is that I changed
almost all my plans... I think I am gunna take his way... it's the
least that I can do now... otherwise I will spend the rest of my life
feeling miserable and regretful... I want to meet him as soon as
possible... There are some things that he should know... I shall work
hard for that day...
and please don't say :
أحسن الله عزاكم
I don't consider him "dead", because
he's not. You should congratulate me. Otherwise remain silent. don't
say anything.
18th|April|2008 4:15 PM Last night..
Last night... at about 9 PM.. I
headed towards my grandma's house not knowing what was waiting for me
there...
As soon as I heard it from mum... I
was in a complete state of denial and shock.............. :'(
يا باكيا أسف
الحبيــــــب
أبدلت فرحك بالدموع
لو كنت أنت مكانه
لسعدت بالفرح العظيم
17th|April|2008 5:55 PM
Kindness hurts.. I know how it hurts!
Today I went to uni to present my
internship presentation, but it was postponed by my instructor to be
presented on SUNDAY... I saw Dr.Polypeptide... I've been
missing him a lot recently... He gave me a pinky winky balloon ^_^
After a while, I was carrying the pinky
balloon with me and again I saw Dr.Polypeptide talking with the
other instructors. Those instructors did not know that the balloon was
given to me by Dr.Polypeptide. As usual, he wanted to tease me
by telling the other instructors: "Look at her.. have you ever seen
a university student carrying a pinky balloon and hovering around?"
I smiled and said: "well...
I am carrying it because it's precious to me"
Then he smiled and gave me a famous look
which could be interpreted as "Please don't be too kind... I am
defeated by your kindness"
immediately I remembered a conversation
of me and my brother...
//
Me (kidding):"When
will you travel away? I would like to spend the rest of my days
without your noise and strict rules.."
Brother:"You're
not saying those words from the bottom of your heart! If I ever leave
all of a sudden, you'll be the first to suffer my loss"
Me *being sarcastic but at the
same time feeling extremely hurt by his kindness*: "Huh!!!!
you're so sure, aren't you? don't be over proud!"
It's strange that I never showed him my
true feelings, but he was so sure of my exact feelings! I
remember once I told my
soul mate that
if one day I don't find him around, I'll go nuts.
I wish he wouldn't have used such
kindness with me...
If you come to think of it, kindness
hurts... Kindness touches the heart and digs deep into it...
To me, when kindness hurts, it hurts
much more than any harsh word or any aggressive punishment, but it
hurts leaving a positive influence.. usually, a life long
influence.
I am this kind of person who easily gets
moved once a person is so nice to me... If they yell or shout, I won't
listen. In fact, I will surely grow more stubborn and start reacting
crazily, fearing nothing......
The kids ordered from mac, but ehim, it was my idea!
I just enjoy it so much especially when I have mood
swings
16th|April|2008 1:01 PM
Emptiness
Ups and Downs Ups and Downs Ups &
Downs... It's like a never ending circle of chaos! During this very
moment, I feeeeeel that I won't be able to make it! Seriously, I am
way too far from reality.. Being swept away by a romantic fantasy +
tragic {end} of my precious sibling is the reason why I cannot bring
myself back to reality, & if, by any chance I am back to reality, I
find myself extremely exhausted. As a result, I end up curling up in
my comfy bed, wishing to sleep forever.
Another thing is this,
I don't know whether or not to start
working right after I graduate. Should I think of getting masters
first or should I try working first. I do feel that I need to practice
what I've learnt so far about nutrition.. so it's better for me to try
working. However, I do feel that I need to take a rest... I hate
routine work! Yaaa Salam, I imagine myself lying on bed without
having to think of any RESPONSIBILITY.. but then again, I am afraid of
being bored!
An important thing to shed lights on is
this,
Some of my friends complain that I don't give them much
of my time and they care a lot about me. I know that when we love
certain people we always want to feel them around.. I am sorry if I
couldn't make it lately! and I won't give excuses for sure, but.. but
and but.. if you really claim that you worry about me and that I am
out of your reach, DO VISIT THIS PAGE PLEASE. sometimes I don't like
to communicate via mobile phones because of my dreadful mOod! And I
hate to use programs such as MSN or Yahoo Messenger.. I don't know why
I feel extremely bored once I sign in such programs! so, If you really
want to know my news, read my blog. You know it's another way of
communication and I shall thank all those who let me feel their
concern. & InshaAllah once I feel better, I will make sure to keep in
touch with you.
In this blog, you'll find the story of
my life. If you're a dear friend, you'll know exactly what I am
talking about even if I make it sound vague!
That's if you wanna be on the right
track... or on the same wave length..
A thank-you
note: I shall thank those who asked about me... True friends
and true lovers show us their true actions which reveal nothing but
their true feelings of loyalty and love. I will never be able to
express my gratitude to them... I always wonder how I shall reward
them...
..................................
Currently I am working on my internship
powerpoint presentation... LOL, it's funny how I cannot overcome the
fear of presenting! Tomorrow inshaAllah, I will imagine that the
audience consists of {3anz}... This is
her idea..
whenever she presents, she pictures people as 3anz! she does not mean
to belittle them, but she thinks it's the most powerful way to forget
that we're under the spot by humans.. and as the result, we can
present while feeling relieved.
One last thing,
LOVE in GOD is the most beautiful
feeling ever... Those who do know the meaning behind it but have not
tasted or sensed it are pitied by me.. and those who do not know its
meaning nor the feeling of it are DEAD. Those who live it everyday are
happy and lucky, for their love is eternal.. and will never go out of
fashion.
& that's that for today...
keep me in your prayers... & I will keep you in mine
tOo.
Oh tomorrow is the 17th?! it is supposed to be a
special day ;)
